Really Bad Movie Reviews: “Prometheus”

Prometheus Banner via JoBlo

I’ll be honest. The first time I watched this movie I was on a date with a guy I’d only recently met. He was nice enough. But, he kept trying to hold my hand, and it completely distracted me from the movie.

Which was a shame because, on second viewing, Prometheus was a lot better than I remember it being. Which isn’t to say this movie isn’t a load of shit. It is. And three of my favorite actors were involved in this weird, ‘we’ve gone into Matrix sequels territory’ movie, with the writer thinking deeply, but not enough about his plot.

So Noomi Rapace stars as Elizabeth Shaw, an archaeologist who wears a cross and has no problem performing her own abortion. Bad ass. And annoying. Then, we have Charlize Theron, who I love. Yes, I watched Aeon Flux, and I’d watch it again tomorrow because even that hot mess at least tried. Prometheus didn’t try very hard. Charlize starts off in bad ass mode, doing push ups and being all “I don’t care who you are, I’m the boss here.” She succeeds for about twenty minutes before she becomes just a whiny cliche mad at her daddy for not appreciating her and not dying so she could take over his legacy. She does set Hot Doc on fire, which was cool, but even that was just meh because he wanted it. Literally setting a fire under someone’s ass isn’t that cool if they’re begging for it.

Then, there’s Idris Elba. He’s Captain of the ship (don’t tell Charlize) and basically acts like a pirate for half of the movie, which is fine, because at least his character is entertaining. I kept praying he’d make it out alive. Every time he was in a dangerous situation, I’d hold my breath, and by some miracle he’d still be alive at the end of the scene. Only for his ass to deliberately kill himself in the end to save the world. Sigh. Poor Idris. We both knew it was coming. You were acting while Black.

On a side note, there have been cowboys in space, homeboys in space, and killer klowns in space.  When are we going to get pirates in space? I mean real, swashbuckling pirates who run/float around with space suited parrots. You really missed out there Prometheus. Instead we get snow white giants with ten packs running around wearing diapers.

We also get the requisite second and third tier characters, like this red-headed geologist who can’t shut up about how he hates everything and isn’t there to make friends. It’s like Survivor Moon. Which you should not ever mistake for Sailor Moon because she is awesome. Seriously, do yourself a favor and find the 50 episode live action Sailor Moon and enjoy. My treat.

Then you have The Expendables. A bunch of characters whose name you never knew and even if you did, probably wouldn’t remember, who are just there to be killed so the main characters can live longer, or in Idris’ case, long enough to sacrifice themselves.

Oh, wait, there’s also decrepit old dude, who also happens to be Charlize’s father, and he’s an asshole. So that’s definitely an inherited trait. He’s the one who funded the entire expedition just so he could find these aliens and somehow get them to give him the secret to immortality. I kept trying to figure out what his hook was going to be? I’ll give you millions of dollars you can’t spend anywhere but on Earth if you help me this one time? So ridiculous. The giants didn’t even give a shit about his Earth money. They were stockpiling actual biological weapons of mass destruction with the intention of dropping them on Earth.

I mean, these giant weirdos have the knowledge and technology to destroy Earth easily, but yet these educated scientists and business people thought that some barren, dusty world was their home? Humans are still running around building skyscrapers, and yet they believed these guys chose to live in caves. Seriously. It’s amazing how humans can be so open and closed-minded at the same damn time. Of course, the whole place turned out to be their munitions plant where they’re making these creepy looking worms that resemble human genitals, force their way down your throat, and turn you into all kinds of wtf.

Oh, I almost forgot about Hot Doc. Seriously, he was gorgeous. And you can’t be that pretty and a doctor my friend, so yes, you had to die after having a seriously terrible acne outbreak that fried his skin. Then, he let Charlize fry him some more with her blow torch. But not before he impregnated Noomi, who is his girlfriend, who then becomes pregnant with a squid. So much no in this movie. So much NOOOOOOOOO.

Noomi is then forced to give herself an abortion with a magic movie surgery machine that cut that little inker out and stitched her up in a matter of minutes. It was a pretty bad ass sequence though. She totally got all Riley, stripping down to her all white skivvies and running around.

So, yeah, that’s it. Weird aliens who are fickle assholes. Basically living by the ultimate abusive Mother code: I created you, so I can destroy you. But that doesn’t happen, thanks to Idris (may he rest in peace) who, along with the only two randoms in this movie not to really annoy me, saves humanity.  Meanwhile, back on earth, humanity continues to be clueless to all the hotness that died to protect them.

What’s that? Nope. I’m not forgetting anyone. I am not forgetting Michael Fassbender as the creepiest robot since Vicki on Small Wonder. He creepily watches Noomi dreaming. He creepily combs his hair as he watches old movies. He creepily dyes his hair blonde. He creepily creeps. He creepily tries to stop Noomi from aborting Squidward. He creepily washes old decrepit dude’s decrepit feet. He creepily lays around talking after his head is ripped from his body.

Michael Fassbender as David the Aryan Android is creepy. Creepier than old decrepit dude, creepier than redhead geologist/alien bait, who close talks everyone. Creepier than Michael Cera with a moustache.

And, there’s going to be a sequel.